Before you get all uptight and start crafting a defense of your position, girls, I want to let you know that this post is a bit of a joke. While some of the ideas suggested below are true in some way, most of them are total assumptions or complete fabrications. In no way do I intend to belittle your accomplishments, ladies.
1. You’re a cheerleader? Statement of fact: the coolest thing about being a cheer guy is stunting (remember that). But in order to learn to stunt, you have to be in some way involved in a cheer team. While that’s not something that we’re embarrassed about (anymore), I happen to know that “hmm… should I tell anyone that I’m on cheer?” thought that presents early in the onset of becoming a guy cheerleader. Plenty of
rednecks people still think all cheer guys, regardless of their sexual orientation, are totally gay. While this is just a demonstration of their own lack of understanding for what we do, it is a misperception we have to deal with nonetheless. The easiest way to butch yourself up is to change your facebook profile pic to a shot of you doing a cupie. It’s true — look through any cheer guy’s profile pictures and 100% of the time you will see pictures of one-armed stunts.
2. Hot Girls. No guy wants to look like an inept little bitch around a group of hot girls. But, especially when a guy is first learning to stunt (that is, before they’ve begun to fully understand the cheer relationship dynamic), they are much more inclined to think that failing to “get good” quickly is seen as weakness. And so when you’re dropping hands for two months, you probably feel pretty retarded. Almost as retarded as you’ll feel after you realize nobody cared that you sucked at first — it’s all part of learning.
3. Motions. Because the one place you learn to stunt is in the confines of a cheer team, you will more than likely be subject to the “motions” plague. Motions are a combination of arm movements that sync with the girls’ choreographed dances, which are intended to make the guys standing in the back look less retarded while the girls dance in front of them. It’s sort of like if you have a 2-year old nephew that you’re babysitting while you’ve got a few bros over at your house — you’d give him a wooden spoon and a pot to bang on while you three jam out on your guitars. The point is that he thinks he’s involved, even though absolutely no one is paying attention to him. And what’s worse is that even though no one is watching you hit the motions (except maybe your parents), if you’re out there and you DON’T do them, you’ll look even more retarded. Sweet.
4. Meg Motions. Surprisingly, just the action of waving your urethane cone (sounds dirty right?) around usually doesn’t warrant much attention. However, meg motions can be more interesting when they introduce the opportunity of causing physical harm to others/yourself if you/they screw up. It’s like this: you know full well that you never watch Nascar racing, but if if you flip to it and there’s a huge crash, you’ll probably wait to change the channel until you see the full extent of the carnage. Well, the dynamic is the same: everyone watches the girls dancing in front of the guys until someone in the back screws up and blasts Kris in the face (I felt bad even though it was his fault).
a) Just dropping alone is embarrassing enough. For the most part, coaches will restrict full squad stunting to the lowest common denominator, but even then there will be some people struggling to press out those extensions. What could be more demeaning than to have the WHOLE SQUAD restricted to toss extensions because of YOU, and then to have you drop your stunt when you’re out there in front of everyone. Yea… bummer.
b) You and your partner are just that: a team. You want to avoid inflicting physical pain on your teammate as much as possible. Who do you think is responsible for it if your girl falls from the top and hurts herself? YOU ARE. Regardless of who else is around, you are your primary spotter, and if she hurts herself that is solely on you. Protect this house, bitch.
6. Tossing. Yea alright this is a given, and I know you girls have to have some strong damn legs to do your part of the toss, but the fact is it’s called a “toss.” And we toss you.
7. Tumbling. If you look the through your cheer team’s roster, you’ll likely find that 80-90% of the girls on the team cheered in high school, which generally means they have some tumbling experience. The remainder of the girls on the team will be either ex dancers or gymnasts, or something that gives them an advantage when it comes to tumbling. On the other hand, while some cheer guys are fortunate enough to have a gymnastics background, the vast majority of guys recruited for cheer are just going to be your average Joe that was tricked into it by a hot chick. That means that most cheer guys are starting from square one in the tumbling department, and at age 20 that can be a challenging hill to climb.
8. Tossing Baskets. Consulting one’s own common sense should reveal that having four testosterone-fueled dudes propel a 102 lb girl as high as possible into the air is not a good idea. However, the rule of thumb for cheer guys is that if what’s being described sounds as unbelievably dangerous as it is awkward, then it’s probably something you’ll have to do. I know that flying a basket is probably the most nerve-wracking thing a cheer girl has to do, but have a quick think about what us guys are going through: any (even slight) miscalculation that the flier makes either during the toss or in the air has to be addressed in a few milliseconds and acted against by three dudes below that are uh… holding hands. If the worst should indeed happen, as many guys as are available will readily sacrifice their own bodies to keep the poor little flier from slamming to the mat from 20 feet up. Lets just say that crab-walking backwards 10 feet below a flier sucks.
9. Pyramids. I guess pyramids are only as sucky as we make them. I really dislike tossing shoulders, but two guys of equal height that are good at tossing shoulders do the trick in a pinch. Of course if the pitch is too low, say goodbye to your skin, because your middle layers are going to fight tooth and nail to muscle that top girl up, and that means grinding some sticky cheer shoes into your shoulders. But then if the pitch was too low, it’s more than likely the guys’ fault. …which means that’s the hardest part, saved for us, yet again.
If you have a look at all of the sub-titles above, you’ll see that I’ve hit on just about everything that’s even remotely involved with cheer. Girls are interested in being college cheerleaders because they were high school cheerleaders. Guys that become college cheerleaders do so because they’re tricked into it by girls who don’t tell them the whole truth! I hope this exposé gives you some perspective, dudes. Fuck doing motions!